"Dear Texas..." Daily Prayer

2007-06-17T20:37:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Your inaction in my everyday life has caused me to no longer believe in you. I'm now down with New Hampshire.

2007-05-31T10:26:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

We now know the price of messing with you: a $270 and a lot of effort to swim over to one of your ridiculous cops who stakes out a river with binoculars. I get the point Texas, I won’t mess with you. Jesus you take this shit seriously.

May 29, 2007

2007-05-29T09:22:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for granting the NFL the wisdom to locate the 2011 Super Bowl in the state that will surely provide the BIGGEST event possible. I assure you your citizens will not disappoint. Our cowboy hats and old high school j.v. football jerseys will be on display.

May 25, 2007

2007-05-25T09:33:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for my senior year of high school. I had a rough class schedule:
Slant Routes 2
NCAA Violations
Nickel D 3
Advanced West Coast Offense Theory
Algebra (they let me play school at football)
College Car Salesman (AP)

Junior year sucked with all the prerequisites to get into those classes.

May 24, 2007

2007-05-24T09:44:00.001-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for Texas Country legends who have taught us how to have drug and alcohol problems at early ages, and that they are not only ok, but celebrated. We thank you for your first son, Willie Nelson, and all of the lessons he has taught us. Mostly, thank you for letting him live to be 140 years old. We will never get sick of hearing songs about "San Antone", "driving on I-35", "I got in a fight in a border town", "Beer rocks", "I smoke pot but still wear cowboy boots and beat the shit out of hippies", "I got wasted last night in San Antone", "I live in a high rise modern loft but pretend I'm a cowboy 3 times a year on my friends hunting lease", "Lets get drunk and high, bitch about Nashville, hang out with friends and write songs, complain about Nashville again, snort stuff, write a good song, sell out in Nashville". Texas I love you, and your country music.

May 23, 2007

2007-05-23T09:48:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for making it so that I can't drive 20 minutes from my house without seeing a business that has a big Texas flag as part of its logo. If you haven't done business with someone called AllTex something or Lone Star somebody or other, or Texas such and such, you hadn't lived for too long. Thank you for being different from all those other states: can anyone even tell me what a flag of New Mexico looks like? Thank you, Texas.

May 22, 2007

2007-05-22T10:27:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

You're so funny. Like that time you let all those Indians play in your blessed lands and then either killed them, or made them go to New Mexico or Oklahoma. Thanks for the laugh Texas, you're sense of humor and distaste for Redskins gets me every time.

On this note, would you consider making Andrew Jackson an honorary Texan? The trail of tears was right up your alley.

May 21, 2007

2007-05-21T08:08:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for the Crawford Ranch. It allows our President to clear his head of more stately matters and get back to doing what Texans know best. Ranching. Bailing hay, milking cattle and putting down injured horses.

How could you let Cindy Sheehan, the blasphemer that she is, set foot on your fertile soil?

May 18, 2007

2007-05-17T09:18:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

A little help????

May 17, 2007

2007-05-17T09:08:00.001-05:00

Dear Texas

If a man receives the MVP in the NBA, but no one can see them play in the post season, does that piece of shit deserve the award?

What do you mean A-Rod?

May 16, 2007

2007-05-16T09:31:00.001-05:00

Dear Texas,

I realize this movie will be neither about you or feature anyone from you. But it will be completely awesome, just like you:

/Film - Point Break II

Vaya Con Dios, Texas.

May 15, 2007

2007-05-14T13:53:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas

Why have you let Quincy Carter live?

http://nba-media-watch.aolsportsblog.com/2007/05/05/quincy-carter-owns-the-arena-league/

He only brings shame to your name.

Your capital punishment laws are too lax...failed Cowboy quarterbacks deserve death by Jerry Jone's fists. Dropping snaps is a close call Romo.

May 14, 2007

2007-05-14T10:22:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

When your people were hungry, you provided them with a bounty of Texas Wild Armadillo Eggs. But like a crack dealer, you were only giving us a free taste to get us hooked on the hard stuff. Damn you Texas, and your delicious mammal eggs.

http://www.texascrazy.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=texas-wild-armadillo-eggs&Category_Code=texas-symbols&Product_Count=13

May 11, 2007

2007-05-11T12:24:00.001-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for including the people from Amarillo, referenced earlier by WC I believe, in the 2nd edition of High School Hotshots. I am sure they understand that leaving them off of the earlier version was simply an administrative oversight and it will not happen again.

May 10, 2007

2007-05-09T14:54:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Please use this online petition as a list of people to smite:

http://www.freeparis.org/

May 9, 2007

2007-05-09T14:51:00.001-05:00

Dear Texas,

Do you think that if their diplomas read "Texas Agricultural and Mechanical" people from Texas A&M would stop being such douche bags?

May 8, 2007

2007-05-08T12:30:00.001-05:00

Dear Texas,

Everything is bigger in you. Including idiots.

http://www.lotterypost.com/news/155687.htm

The only odds worse that these are Michael Young's chance at getting a hit.

May 7, 2007

2007-05-07T09:39:00.001-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for giving us the Dallas Cowboys, a team that is not only Dallas's team, not only Texas's team, but all of America's Team. Thank for for shortening the phrase how about those Cowboys to how 'bout them Cowboys. This maintains the much needed increased oxygen level in our lungs for when we smoke Marlboro Red 100's at our seat inside God's Stadium. That was really nice of your buddy God to let you put your name on the stadium by the way. Also, thank you for the true fans of the Cowboys. You know, the ones whose children have holes in their shoes but their daddy still has that $5,000 year season ticket package. These are the true fans. Not the air conditioned luxury suite crowd, the upper deck, don' t mind paying $9 for a beer and $10 for a hamburger as long as the Boys are winning crowd. On another note, what the fuck have you done to the Rangers?

May 4, 2007

2007-05-04T10:14:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Please trade Dirk.

That is all.

May 3, 2007

2007-05-03T08:25:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for gracing the planet with leaders that believe that anyone can have guns anywhere. My second amendment rights far outweigh anyone’s right to not be scared shitless by me, and my guns. Perry, John Wayne approves of this message.

http://www.star-telegram.com/189/story/86649.html

May 2, 2007

2007-05-02T07:42:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for acting as a muse for Little Texas as they paid homage to your greatness. The numbers are few who are able to make a lasting impact on the entire world through song - Beethoven, Bach, Bob Dylan, Jimi Hendrix, and now, Little Texas. Without your natural and synthetic beauties, these young men would have nothing to be thankful for.

Song: God Blessed Texas
Artist: Little Texas
Album: Big Time

I've seen a lot of places
I've been around the world
I've seen some pretty faces
Been with some beautiful girls
But after all I've witnessed one thing still amazes me
Just like a miracle you have to see to believe

'Cause God blessed Texas with His own hand
Brought down angels from the promised land
Gave 'em a place where they could dance
If you wanna see heaven brother here's your chance
I've been sent to spread the message
God blessed Texas

First He lit sunshine
Then He made the waters deep
Then He gave us moonlight
For all the world to see
Well everybody knows that the Lord works in mysterious ways
He took a rest then on the very next day

God blessed Texas with His own hand
Brought down angels from the promised land
Gave 'em a place where they could dance
If you wanna see heaven brother here's your chance
I've been sent to spread the message
God blessed Texas

May 1, 2007

2007-04-30T10:48:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Please bless Anthony Spencer and give him the strength to terrorize Redskins and Eagles. Also we ask that you use Kevin Kolb as a double agent to infiltrate and implode the Eagles club house. Give him the talent of Joey Harrington, the personal skills of Terell Owens, and the ability to run a ball club equal to David Carr. We are sorry Kevin, but sacrifices are necessary.

April 30, 2007

2007-04-29T21:38:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for bringing together what could be the greatest combination since Davy Crockett and William Travis. Only in your infinite wisdom could one couple the naming rights to America's team's new stadium with the finest corporation in the country. What better company to have its namesake on the Cowboy's stadium than Exxon Mobile.

http://www.mlive.com/business/ambizdaily/bizjournals/index.ssf?/base/abd-3/1175496038166660.xml

April 27, 2007

2007-04-26T11:07:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

One of the greatest things about living in your borders, is having perspective on life, and knowing what is truly important.

http://texashsfootball.com/board/index.php?s=3924f731dd27d9562bceb197fc33266b&showtopic=24873

I also need a favor, Texas.

I just ate a jar of pickles that expired in March 2003. Is that bad?

April 26, 2007

2007-04-26T08:29:00.001-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for sending Don Imus to point out of the "nappy-headed hos," who we don't want to infiltrate your borders. Without him these so called "women" would be able to leave the shore-people haven that is New Jersey and enter the paradise that is you.

That's right, Sharpton. Come and get some.

April 25, 2007

2007-04-25T04:17:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for naming your cities after other great cities in Western culture - Paris, Athens, London, etc.. In your infinite wisdom and understanding, you have allowed us to experience the great cities of the world without leaving the friendly confines of your official borders.

April 24, 2007

2007-04-23T14:46:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

3 words:

Rockets
Mexicans
Neptune

April 23, 2007

2007-04-23T08:45:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

First of all, HEB is pretty sweet. I love the Texas sized aisles and the fact that I can by lumber, pumpkins, and beef jerky in the same location. I also like that I can pick up 6 illegals in front of Home Depot to build me a pumpkin/beef jerky stand to sell off one of your blue bonnet laden highways.

Texas I do have one prayer which needs answering though to go along with my praise. I voted with my friends and it is a dead even split. You get the final vote:

Is it DEE-POE or DEE-POT?

April 22, 2007

2007-04-22T10:57:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for Sunday. Without this great day we would have no idea when to take the day off from hunting and fishing in order to admire all of the great things we have killed and caught over the years (we keep these things in the foyer of the house for all who enter to admire).

It is also on this day that we pay to have our Land Rover or Tahoe washed. The small amount of dust that actually makes it above the wheel-well when we're "off-roading" looks horrid and simply would not be acceptable to our neighbors in uptown.

In your name we pray...

April 20, 2007

2007-04-20T09:38:00.001-05:00

Dear Texas,

I get a panhandle sized boner whenever I watch the replay of the Texas-USC national championship game. I also do when I watch Murphy Brown...am I gay?

April 19, 2007

2007-04-19T08:22:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for keeping Austin weird. Unlike any every other city in Texas, Austin is filled with hippies and queers and lots of good Texas country. We thank you for keeping Austin like this so we always understand how bad it would be to live in San Francisco.

April 18, 2007

2007-04-18T08:51:00.003-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for John Wayne. I realize he was born in Iowa, but I have a feeling you still had something to do with it. It's kinda like when a dad lets his kid win in sports even though the kid sucks.

Also, thank you for the technology that will allow us to unfreeze his body once we have a cure for cancer and unleash him on the Chinese, Iranians, and anyone else who the Duke disagrees with.

April 17, 2007

2007-04-17T05:23:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for fishing, fishing related merchandise and those who wear that merchandise. We are especially thankful for tee shirts laden with puns or innuendo. Examples include "Bass Addict," "Catch and Release," and "Get Your Hooks N Em."

Without this bounty, 90% or your citizens would have no wardrobe to speak of.

April 16, 2007

2007-04-16T09:28:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

If John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Chuck Norris, Nolan Ryan, and Johnny Cash all impregnated the same woman, the child would be the personification of your greatness.

April 12, 2007

2007-04-12T02:35:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for our guilty pleasure - Waco. We don't want to look, but we just can't help ourselves. Dry college campuses on game day, Southern Baptists, David Koresh, college basketball-related murders - we can't wait to see what they do next!

Prediction: The Baylor football coach is really an anti-circumcision cult leader

April 11, 2007

2007-04-11T08:53:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for being the biggest and best state in our great nation(Alaska doesn't count because its full of Eskimos and queers.)R.I.P. Anna Nicole, and screw you Florida for taking one of the finestdaughters of Texas away. (But seriously if I hear one more story abouther, I'll commit mass murder).

April 10, 2007

2007-04-10T09:07:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Please strike down Billy Gillespie, or as I like to call him Kentucky Judas. I'm sure your vengeance will be sufficient.

April 9, 2007

2007-04-09T08:52:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Did you know that Ross Perot won 16% of the popular vote? You are capabale of wonderous miracles.

April 6, 2007

2007-04-05T12:55:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for the real nectar of the gods – crude oil. Without this crude oil mankind (read: Texas) would not have created many of the modern conveniences we enjoy today like Dodge Magnums, Internet pornography, mail-order brides, big business, corporate greed, and
megalomania. Or the place all of this is celebrated - Chili's (which also comes from Texas). The fact that God decided to keep the largest reserves of that sweet goodnes under this great soil serves as proof-positive that Texas is nearest and dearest to His heart.

I know that God did not mean for them Arabs to have the oil they do today – that was our fault. Well then again, it may be your (Texas') own fault for putting so many great Texas Country musicians in the same place. About this time 100 years ago, Texans had gathered to celebrate the music of these great artists (read: men) and had themselves such a barn-burnin', shit-stompin' kinda night they went on ahead and stomped them crude oil reserves all the way through the Earth and out the other side (the Arabs). Now all that's left is to head back over there and take what's ours...

April 5, 2007

2007-04-05T08:36:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for not having a state income tax. You may be a lot of things (like awesome) but you are not greedy. What? It's not supposed to be funny. Seriously....thanks.

April 4, 2007

2007-04-04T09:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for Jim Adler, the strong-arming attorney who distributes justice in the name of this great state. "Yo soy Jim Adler, El Texas Hammer!"

http://www.jimadler.com/index.php

April 3, 2007

2007-04-03T08:26:00.001-05:00

April 2, 2007

2007-04-02T09:37:00.001-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for sending your prophet, Jerry Jones, here to Texas to lead America's team to consistent glory. Without him the Cowboys would be lost in anonymity rather than atop the sports universe. (By the way, we know that the Quincy Carter stint was just a test of our strength.)

March 30,2007

2007-03-30T08:11:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for all of the citizens within your borders that still wish you would separate from the United States and become your own country. We understand that you would have done this a long time ago, but while you would be the most badass country in the world you also have a compassionate side. If you were to succeed in becoming your own country the US would crumble around you. Then your government employees would be forced to spend countless man hours attempting to repel illegal immigrants from Oklahoma, New Mexico, Arkansas, and Louisiana. We know that you just don't want to deal with the paperwork. If you do become your own country, please immediately nuke California.

March 29, 2007

2007-03-28T12:24:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Your middle schools are superior teachers of Texas History and are the most capable in the nation at passing along subtle racists themes to young absorbent minds. Remember the Alamo! And Come and Take it! Too bad you guys were sleeping in the MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING DAY in San Jacinto you lazy Mexicans. In your name we pray.

March 28, 2007

2007-03-28T08:57:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for the city of El Paso, which serves as a constant taunt to those across the border who aren't allowed into this country. What might have been Julio........what might have been.

March 27, 2007

2007-03-27T08:13:00.001-05:00

Dear Texas,

Please send a sign that Texas is not to be messed with. We, your loyal servants, would prefer this sign did not appear to be on a six year cocaine and whiskey bender with the occasional break to have his face sandblasted. Yeah, I think Lyle Lovett is ugly...so what.

March 26. 2007

2007-03-26T08:38:00.001-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for your large, awkward shape, which makes for the coolest of tattoos. And thank you for your glorious universities whose letters we can impose on top of our tattoo.

March 23, 2007

2007-03-23T08:28:00.001-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for Neil Patrick Harris. Born and raised in Albuquerque, he serves as a constant reminder as to just how gay New Mexico is.

March 22. 2007

2007-03-22T09:16:00.000-05:00

Dear God,
CC Texas

When I die I may not go to heaven. I don't know if they let cowboys in. If they don't just let me go to Texas, Boy! Texas is as close as I've been.

New York couldn't hold my attention. Detroit City couldn't sing my song. If tomorrow finds me busted flat in Dallas I won't care, 'cause at least I'll know I'm home.

I'd ride through all of Hell and half of Texas, Just to hear Willie Nelson sing a country song. Beer just ain't as cold in old Milwaukee. My body's here, but my soul's in San Antone.

March 21, 2007

2007-03-21T09:18:00.001-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for Tex-Mex food. Nothing fully Mexican should be celebrated, but you found a way to extract the small amount of goodness from Mexico, add some cheese and guacamole, and throw it in a flour tortilla. Your ability to transform Mexican(s) food from sub par mild and "lazy" to spiced up hard working deliciousness is a testament to your power and wisdom. Mexican, meet Tex-Mex, the new king of rice and beans.

Texas 2 Mexico 0

March 20, 2007

2007-03-20T08:12:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for 72 oz steaks, that, if eaten in 1 hour become free. I understand that this is just a ploy by you to force non Texans to over eat to the point of death thereby leaving only Texans and that asian guy who can eat all them hot dogs left on the earth. However, the idea of a piece of beef so large that only Texans and hot dog eatin' asians can finish within the hour time period makes me proud to live within your borders.

March 19, 2007

2007-03-19T08:44:00.001-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for your hard-nosed, unwavering stance on illegal immigration. In a time when this so called "melting pot" of a country has decided to open its floodgates, which happen to run right through the heart of the great state of Texas, you have remained vigilant and unforgiving in the protection of your people. Also, thank you for the greatest invention on earth: the soon to be fully operational Boarder Watch Website (http://www.texasborderwatch.com/).

March 16, 2007

2007-03-15T15:19:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for making sure Louisiana blocks all hurricanes from your shores. We forgive the whole 1920's Galveston debacle, you didn't have Doppler back then. All things considered, Port Aransas must be preserved at all costs. Sorry New Orleans, you're just playing right guard protecting America's quarterback, TEXAS.

March 15, 2007

2007-03-15T08:34:00.001-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for Blue Bell Ice Cream and Dr. Pepper. And thank you for the classic combo that combines the two. In your honor, I shall go to Waco and leave a 1 gallon tub of vanilla Blue Bell Ice Cream at the front door of the Dr. Pepper museum. And unlike the employees of Blue Bell, I will not eat any of it.

P.S. Do you think you could influence the fine folks of Brenham to make a skoal flavored ice cream with a hint of jalapeno? Of course you can.

March 14, 2007

2007-03-13T10:36:00.001-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for Texas Barbecue. I really appreciate the fact that you distinguished your BBQ from BBQ served in smaller states. I know that when I sit down for a lunch of Texas BBQ that I will be served savory brisket from a herculean steer that was born and bred (in one of your 254 counties) to provide the finest cuts of mesquite smoked beef in the world. And that I will have the option to have it sliced or chopped.

Texas I love you!

March 13, 2007

2007-03-12T10:38:00.000-05:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for football, cowboys, BBQ, Southern Baptists, Enron, oil spills, cults, and Space...all of it. That is all.

PS. Please destroy New Mexico

March 12, 2007

2007-03-09T13:07:00.000-06:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for Lance Armstrong's one good testicle, which he used to distribute ass kickings to all them Euro's in that bicycle race.

March 11, 2007

2007-03-09T13:04:00.002-06:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for Chuck Norris and all of his patriotic kung-fu abilities. And thank you for inspiring him to create the greatest television show of all time, "Walker, Texas Ranger," which without you would simply be "Walker, Ranger."

March 10, 2007

2007-03-09T12:39:00.000-06:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for being blessed by God. Thank you for demanding God to inspire Alan Jackson to write a song about his blessing of you. I am a bit curious as to when God blessed you, however, because depending on the year you were blessed, well that could mean Mexico is hoarding some of the blessed land now. I'll be damned if they will live on the land originally blessed in the name of Texas, but was given to Mexico over border disputes or the good will of Texans of that time. If indeed you were blessed past the Rio Grande before present day borders existed, we must make haste, reclaim this blessed land, and fill it with barbed wire and cattle. Oh yeah, and fuck Yao Ming

March 9, 2007

2007-03-09T09:47:00.000-06:00

Dear Texas,

Thank you for making everything here so much bigger than it is anywhere else. Also, thank you for making hats, t-shirts, and bumper stickers that I can buy to remind everyone of that fact.